Ocean's unhinged rant
Aug. 15th, 2023 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whoopsitswhumpGUESS WHO'S BACK ON THEIR BULLSHIT?
It's me. I'm the one. I'm back on my bullshit and today that bullshit is none other than the Ocean's 11 franchise. I think way too much about these movies. Anyway. Onwards and upwards and I hope you enjoy my spiral into insanity. spoilers ahead.
First thing's first LITERALLY because I'm going to talk about the original movie first. Ocean's 11... 1960. The first of five. The worst of five. I hate this movie SO MUCH for so many reasons. God. Where do I even start? It is bad in every conceivable way. I'm sorry if you like it but it's just straight up not good. The acting is incredibly flat, it's racist, it's sexist, and there's no Rusty Ryan which is quite frankly a crime in my humble opinion. And! speaking of crime... I know that this is technically a heist movie, but the heist is exceedingly boring. Basically, what the movie actually is, is two hours of the rat pack dicking around and trading sexist and racist "jokes" as they play absolutely unremarkable characters.
All the guys looked the same, and for the most part I couldn't tell one from the other. Sammy Davis Jr was the singular tolerable character. One of the guys just straight up dies and we brush over it, but it was low-key tragic? Like, he only joined in the heist because he wanted to pay for his kid's college, and then he DIED and THEN all the money that was stolen got burnt to a crisp anyway??? (spoiler alert.)
The heist, as afore mentioned, was so not good. Basically, Danny and ten of his best army buddies (none of whom are Rusty--tragic) decide to rob five Vegas casinos on New Year's Eve because... actually there's no real reason. For fun? Most all of them seem pretty well off and there's literally no motivation for almost any of this. The planning makes no sense and there are too many characters just standing around doing nothing the entire time, and the actual heist scene is so fucking boring. No tension. No nothing. What the fuck. Then they decide to smuggle the money that they stole out of Vegas IN THEIR DEAD FRIEND'S COFFIN LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. And they don't even tell his wife. They literally grave rob, swap the body out for money and dump the corpse somewhere, and they are ALL IN BLACKFACE FOR THIS. What in the actual fuck.
Also, Danny was apparently oh so tragically broken up by this friend's passing, but when one of his buddies is explaining to us that Danny is sad, Danny is literally just standing like an NPC, totally nonplussed.
THEN. THEN. In the one funny part of the movie, it turns out that the dead guy's wife is getting him cremated, so all the money burns up. And "ain't that a kick in the head" is sung so many times that it made me want to kick Dean Martin in the head.
Also the directing was so goddamn static and boring. Zero out of ten. Would not watch again.
Ocean's 11 (2001) is better though. It's SO GOOD. Snappy editing, complete character overhaul, and an actually compelling heist??? They have motivations and everything??? Crazy. Danny is ACTUALLY a compelling character this go around, and, most importantly, gay icon Rusty Ryan now exists. I love him dearly <3 Every character has so much personality, even if they're more minor, and I love them all. And this is something in o12 and o13 as well, but the telepathic DannyRusty conversations make me actually insane. No notes, just cheers applauds and a fucking wonderful time. It's not often that reboots are better than the original but this knocked it out of the park and straight into space. It makes my brain buzz and I love it all so so much. I love the team dynamic and Rusty and all the planning and also Rusty and did I mention Rusty. I like him a normal amount. I'm normal about him. I'm normal about the fact that he sent Danny cookies while Danny was in in prison. 11/10
Ocean's 12 is like. A fever dream. But in a good way, you know? They give Rusty a girlfriend so people stop thinking he's gay (it didn't work), Tess pretends to be a famous actress and IT ACTUALLY WORKS, One French Guy is the bane of everyone's existence. I think this is the one where Danny wakes up in the middle of the night and forgets what time it is and then him and Rusty get wine drunk and watch TV together. They're so slay. It's all so goofy and silly and AAA. They make me insane. 12/10 (actually more like a 9/10 but I had to commit to the bit).
Ocean's 13 AKA THEE found family movie. The 2012 avengers fandom wishes they had what these guys have. It's so funny to me that Tess and that other girl are mentioned like one time and never again and Danny isn't wearing his wedding ring. Color me insane. Once again no notes, fucking impeccable 13/10 would watch again forever and ever it's the perfect finale mwah mwah mwah it's just a delight. Love and peace and hella comfort movie.
Which brings us to my mortal enemy in the form of Ocean's 8. I get why people like it but I really did not like this one. It was bad. straight up. It didn't have any of the same charm the trilogy had and the characters were too flat and boring. Also Mindy Kaling and James Cordon didn't help. That girl who played Marla was a highlight but she reminded me of my aunt and that made me a little but sad. ANYWAY. It was kind of stupid and not in a fun way. And I know it was supposed to be a girl power movie because yay women but the fact that it was actually YEN who showed up and did most of the actual theft is hilarious to me. Like, wow.
ALSO. ALSO. I take issue with the fact that Danny is dead. They didn't need to do that. It would have been really funny if Danny popped in every now and again (maybe with rusty at his side...) and it just would have made the whole thing more fun. And I take issue with the scene where Debbie goes to visit Danny's grave and REUBEN shows up. I love the character, he's awesome, but it would have made so much more sense for Rusty to be the one to show up because it's DannyAndRusty not DannyAndReuben. It makes me want to rewrite that scene with Rusty. Also I think that Lou/Debbie fell really flat in comparison to Danny. I could go on but if I did I'd be here all day.
Moral of the story is watch the trilogy u won't regret it.
It's me. I'm the one. I'm back on my bullshit and today that bullshit is none other than the Ocean's 11 franchise. I think way too much about these movies. Anyway. Onwards and upwards and I hope you enjoy my spiral into insanity. spoilers ahead.
First thing's first LITERALLY because I'm going to talk about the original movie first. Ocean's 11... 1960. The first of five. The worst of five. I hate this movie SO MUCH for so many reasons. God. Where do I even start? It is bad in every conceivable way. I'm sorry if you like it but it's just straight up not good. The acting is incredibly flat, it's racist, it's sexist, and there's no Rusty Ryan which is quite frankly a crime in my humble opinion. And! speaking of crime... I know that this is technically a heist movie, but the heist is exceedingly boring. Basically, what the movie actually is, is two hours of the rat pack dicking around and trading sexist and racist "jokes" as they play absolutely unremarkable characters.
All the guys looked the same, and for the most part I couldn't tell one from the other. Sammy Davis Jr was the singular tolerable character. One of the guys just straight up dies and we brush over it, but it was low-key tragic? Like, he only joined in the heist because he wanted to pay for his kid's college, and then he DIED and THEN all the money that was stolen got burnt to a crisp anyway??? (spoiler alert.)
The heist, as afore mentioned, was so not good. Basically, Danny and ten of his best army buddies (none of whom are Rusty--tragic) decide to rob five Vegas casinos on New Year's Eve because... actually there's no real reason. For fun? Most all of them seem pretty well off and there's literally no motivation for almost any of this. The planning makes no sense and there are too many characters just standing around doing nothing the entire time, and the actual heist scene is so fucking boring. No tension. No nothing. What the fuck. Then they decide to smuggle the money that they stole out of Vegas IN THEIR DEAD FRIEND'S COFFIN LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. And they don't even tell his wife. They literally grave rob, swap the body out for money and dump the corpse somewhere, and they are ALL IN BLACKFACE FOR THIS. What in the actual fuck.
Also, Danny was apparently oh so tragically broken up by this friend's passing, but when one of his buddies is explaining to us that Danny is sad, Danny is literally just standing like an NPC, totally nonplussed.
THEN. THEN. In the one funny part of the movie, it turns out that the dead guy's wife is getting him cremated, so all the money burns up. And "ain't that a kick in the head" is sung so many times that it made me want to kick Dean Martin in the head.
Also the directing was so goddamn static and boring. Zero out of ten. Would not watch again.
Ocean's 11 (2001) is better though. It's SO GOOD. Snappy editing, complete character overhaul, and an actually compelling heist??? They have motivations and everything??? Crazy. Danny is ACTUALLY a compelling character this go around, and, most importantly, gay icon Rusty Ryan now exists. I love him dearly <3 Every character has so much personality, even if they're more minor, and I love them all. And this is something in o12 and o13 as well, but the telepathic DannyRusty conversations make me actually insane. No notes, just cheers applauds and a fucking wonderful time. It's not often that reboots are better than the original but this knocked it out of the park and straight into space. It makes my brain buzz and I love it all so so much. I love the team dynamic and Rusty and all the planning and also Rusty and did I mention Rusty. I like him a normal amount. I'm normal about him. I'm normal about the fact that he sent Danny cookies while Danny was in in prison. 11/10
Ocean's 12 is like. A fever dream. But in a good way, you know? They give Rusty a girlfriend so people stop thinking he's gay (it didn't work), Tess pretends to be a famous actress and IT ACTUALLY WORKS, One French Guy is the bane of everyone's existence. I think this is the one where Danny wakes up in the middle of the night and forgets what time it is and then him and Rusty get wine drunk and watch TV together. They're so slay. It's all so goofy and silly and AAA. They make me insane. 12/10 (actually more like a 9/10 but I had to commit to the bit).
Ocean's 13 AKA THEE found family movie. The 2012 avengers fandom wishes they had what these guys have. It's so funny to me that Tess and that other girl are mentioned like one time and never again and Danny isn't wearing his wedding ring. Color me insane. Once again no notes, fucking impeccable 13/10 would watch again forever and ever it's the perfect finale mwah mwah mwah it's just a delight. Love and peace and hella comfort movie.
Which brings us to my mortal enemy in the form of Ocean's 8. I get why people like it but I really did not like this one. It was bad. straight up. It didn't have any of the same charm the trilogy had and the characters were too flat and boring. Also Mindy Kaling and James Cordon didn't help. That girl who played Marla was a highlight but she reminded me of my aunt and that made me a little but sad. ANYWAY. It was kind of stupid and not in a fun way. And I know it was supposed to be a girl power movie because yay women but the fact that it was actually YEN who showed up and did most of the actual theft is hilarious to me. Like, wow.
ALSO. ALSO. I take issue with the fact that Danny is dead. They didn't need to do that. It would have been really funny if Danny popped in every now and again (maybe with rusty at his side...) and it just would have made the whole thing more fun. And I take issue with the scene where Debbie goes to visit Danny's grave and REUBEN shows up. I love the character, he's awesome, but it would have made so much more sense for Rusty to be the one to show up because it's DannyAndRusty not DannyAndReuben. It makes me want to rewrite that scene with Rusty. Also I think that Lou/Debbie fell really flat in comparison to Danny. I could go on but if I did I'd be here all day.
Moral of the story is watch the trilogy u won't regret it.
